They say you cannot judge a book by its cover. That has never been truer with me.
You would never know that someone like me has it. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe I have it written all over me. Or maybe I am just good at hiding it. I am someone who has been described as bubbly, outgoing, a leader, always happy, etc. It is so interesting to me, to think that I’ve come to this. I love my husband and my son, and I love spending time with them. I love my family and love being with them. I love my job and I love teaching those sweet little babes. I love my friends and the time I get to spend with them. Most importantly I love God and all the amazing things he has blessed me with. The one person I couldn’t seem to love—myself. I felt like I let everyone down all the time. Even though throughout my days I get praise from everywhere, it doesn’t change how I felt. No matter how many Bible verses I read about how important it is to love yourself and that because of God I am “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I have such an amazing life, and so many people would love to have the life I live. An amazing husband & son that I wake up to everyday. They support me and love me no matter what. An amazing mom who lives in our beautiful house in her apartment downstairs, who takes our son to school and takes care of him when needed. Wonderful and loving in-laws who treat me like I am their own. My two sisters who even though we fight like dogs sometimes, I know love me. Grandparents that love me with their whole heart and would do just about anything to help me. Aunts & Uncles can always make me laugh and even if I don’t see them often, it always feels like we haven’t skipped a beat when I see them. So, you may wonder why someone who all that didn’t love herself. And that’s because of a seven-letter word with a whole lot of meaning. Anxiety. In Webster’s dictionary anxiety is described as “a strong desire sometimes mixed with doubt, fear, or uneasiness.” That’s me in a nutshell. It’s the worst feeling in the world. And it’s unexplainable. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel as if I must apologize for everything. Even something as simple as texting someone and they’re busy. I didn’t know they were busy, and it shouldn’t feel as if it is my fault. But I do. I immediately feel bad. I cannot stand feeling like I have disappointed someone. So, can you imagine the feeling I do feel when I actually truly disappoint someone? It’s awful. It’s a dangerous slope too.
Before I rekindled my relationship with God about a year ago, I was in a dark, lonely place in my life. Looking back at it, I was deeply depressed. I didn’t want to be around anyone but my husband and son. They were the only two people on this earth that I felt safe with. Ty was too young to understand my headspace. Tyler was so loving and caring that he helped me through it. It wasn’t easy for him, because sometimes he just didn’t know what to do to help. I am so lucky he stayed by my side through all of this. What an amazing man he is. Thank you, Tyler, for loving me unconditionally and no matter what. No matter what people may say or what you think people may think about you—you are the best husband in the world. I am forever blessed to have you in my life. Even if we fight or say things to each other we regret, we forgive and move on. Our relationship is truly blessed my God.
What I am about to say is not good. It’s not happy. And it’s not because of anyone. It’s because of my anxiety. I am scared to even type it out, because then it’s real. It really happened. Remember, this was before my relationship with God wasn’t there. This was when I was so lost. So very lost. But if my words can help someone before it gets to this point, then it is worth it.
I truly despised myself a year ago. I let the pressure of living up to a promise I made to my dad ten years ago get to me. And I let myself fall. I turned my back on God. And I was so afraid of losing my husband, son, and family that I kept the battle to myself. I felt as if I had hurt so many people by things I did. But, I didn’t do anything, my mind made me believe that I did. The only way I could move past the hurt I caused, was hurting myself. I thought that going into the closet and hitting myself, pinching myself, or telling myself how terrible of a person I was would hurt me like I hurt others. I was so wrong. All that did was push me further away from God and my family. I should have spent those moments in the closet praying or telling Tyler what I was feeling. But I didn’t. No one in my life knew. Not one single soul. God knew though, and he was just waiting for me to come to him. He knew. He knew I would. Thank goodness God waited. And thank goodness he kept Tyler in the picture. I would not have survived this without God and Tyler.
I love my family so much, but when building a house with your Mom there are bound to be hurdles. And that’s okay. The process of building a house is supposed to be exciting. It wasn’t. It was absolute hell for me. I entrusted Tyler with the details of the house, because I knew my anxiety couldn’t handle it. I only had two requests: a big bathtub, and white subway tiles. Which obviously I got! We went through the process and I felt like if we got to something that my mom wanted and it couldn’t be delivered (not because we didn’t want to, but the builders couldn’t make it happen) we were horrible people. I felt judged through the entire process. Now, I want to state for the record—I am not upset with anyone for these feelings. For all I know I wasn’t being judged. I know people were just looking out for my mother. However, someone with severe anxiety and not the greatest relationship with God doesn’t handle these situations well. Tyler would come to me with concerns about things and my family would come to me with concerns for my mom. Neither of parties were wrong for that. At all. But, everyone on the outside were concerned for either my mother or my husband. No one once asked me how I felt, or how I was doing with the change. Did they have to check on me? No. Do I wish they would have? Yes. One day Tyler finally asked and that really began our conversation about my anxiety. And that changed our marriage for the better. I knew I could finally be open with him. That was a year ago. That is when I knew I could get through this.
The rest of the house building process was slowly coming to an end and I was able to enjoy it! With the help of God and Tyler I was able to let snarky remarks or doubts go in one ear and out the other. It was so refreshing and such a sweet relief. I wanted to go see the house more often, instead of relying on pictures Tyler was taking. I was finally feeling like my old self again.
Do I think I have always suffered from anxiety? Yes, I do. I look back on situations from High School and College and think—that was due to my anxiety. But anxiety was a term thrown around like it was some Mardi Gras beads at a parade. So, I didn’t ever investigate it further. I do think it all started when my Dad was sick. I wanted to be strong for everyone, so I put myself on the back burner…for 12 years. I think the anxiety has always been mild. However, a poor relationship with God and an extremely unusual and uncomfortable/stressful situation caused it to rear its ugly head.
The rest of the house building process was slowly coming to an end and I was able to enjoy it! With the help of God and Tyler I was able to let snarky remarks or doubts go in one ear and out the other. It was so refreshing and such a sweet relief. I wanted to go see the house more often, instead of relying on pictures Tyler was taking. I was finally feeling like my old self again.
Do I think I have always suffered from anxiety? Yes, I do. I look back on situations from High School and College and think—that was due to my anxiety. But anxiety was a term thrown around like it was some Mardi Gras beads at a parade. So, I didn’t ever investigate it further. I do think it all started when my Dad was sick. I wanted to be strong for everyone, so I put myself on the back burner…for 12 years. I think the anxiety has always been mild. However, a poor relationship with God and an extremely unusual and uncomfortable/stressful situation caused it to rear its ugly head.
So, where I am now? Better than I have ever been. It is amazing what a lot of prayer, a good Church, my sweet husband & son, and a little routine can do! I wake up in the mornings and don’t feel this huge weight on my shoulders. I smile more, I laugh more—I can genuinely say that I am so happy. My marriage is better than it ever has been, and I love Tyler more than I ever have! We have a wonderful small group with three other couples. I love being with them and I love that they understand me. What a beautiful friendship we have created in such a short period of time. I even am leading our small group now! I never would have done that over a year ago. I didn’t even want to go to church then. Anytime I am feeling lonely or sad—I can tell Tyler without hesitation. He can tell when we are in a circumstance that my anxiety is in action and calms my brain down. I am Heather Perdue and a happy girl!
Why did I feel the need to type this? Why do I think people would care? I don’t know if they would—but it may give a little insight in my life or may help someone who is going through what I went through. Or maybe I can help someone who has a loved one with anxiety with what to do for them.
What can you do for your loved ones with anxiety? Love them, be patient with them, and be gentle with them. Which is how we should treat people no matter what, but especially people with anxiety. Remember we need to be told they are loved AND shown. We need you to patient with us in situations that are hard, we will get through it—you just need to be patient with us. We need your words to be gentle. Words hurt already, but when you’re insecure in who you are—they hurt even more. Now, we know that nobody is perfect. Heck, we don’t think we are even close. Therefore, we are so forgiving. Sometimes we are TOO forgiving. But apologize when you hurt us. Life is too short to hold a grudge over stupid stuff. If you don’t, we don’t know where we stand with you. We will doubt your love for us & when that begins we fall down that slippery slope. That slippery slope isn’t easy to overcome.
If you are reading this and you can relate, talk to me. I would love to talk to you about what you’ve been through. If you are reading this and you feel guilty for the things you have said to someone you know may have anxiety—apologize to them. Don’t let them sit in fear that you don’t like them.
We need to be the light in this dark world. Be kind always.
-Heather Perdue
Why did I feel the need to type this? Why do I think people would care? I don’t know if they would—but it may give a little insight in my life or may help someone who is going through what I went through. Or maybe I can help someone who has a loved one with anxiety with what to do for them.
What can you do for your loved ones with anxiety? Love them, be patient with them, and be gentle with them. Which is how we should treat people no matter what, but especially people with anxiety. Remember we need to be told they are loved AND shown. We need you to patient with us in situations that are hard, we will get through it—you just need to be patient with us. We need your words to be gentle. Words hurt already, but when you’re insecure in who you are—they hurt even more. Now, we know that nobody is perfect. Heck, we don’t think we are even close. Therefore, we are so forgiving. Sometimes we are TOO forgiving. But apologize when you hurt us. Life is too short to hold a grudge over stupid stuff. If you don’t, we don’t know where we stand with you. We will doubt your love for us & when that begins we fall down that slippery slope. That slippery slope isn’t easy to overcome.
If you are reading this and you can relate, talk to me. I would love to talk to you about what you’ve been through. If you are reading this and you feel guilty for the things you have said to someone you know may have anxiety—apologize to them. Don’t let them sit in fear that you don’t like them.
We need to be the light in this dark world. Be kind always.
-Heather Perdue
